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http://www.spiritualityandpractice.com/books/

New Review of The Five Keys To Mindful Communication
By Frederic and Mary Ann Brussat

The Five Keys to Mindful Communication
Using Deep Listening and Mindful Speech to Strengthen Relationships, Heal Conflicts and Accomplish Your Goals
Susan Gillis Chapman
Shambhala Books 04/12 Paperback $15.95
ISBN: 9781590309414

Susan Gillis Chapman is a marriage and family therapist who has been studying mindfulness meditation for more than 30 years. She is founder of Green Light Communication and on the faculty of Karuna Institute in Cologne, Germany. In this engaging work, Chapman explores the importance of communication and conversations in our world. She upholds a we-first perspective to replace a narcissistic me-first attitude in our relationships with others. It is the me-first approach that lies behind our culture of mistrust and the rampant social problems of greed, corruption, and aggression.

In her mindful-communication workshops, Chapman teaches about communication that is closed (red light), open (green light), and somewhere-in-between (yellow light). She then puts the spotlight on the five essential elements of mindful communication:

• Mindful Presence (awake body, tender heart, open mind)
• Mindful Listening (encouragement)
• Mindful Speech (gentleness)
• Mindful Relationships (unconditional friendliness)
• Mindful Responses (playfulness)

Given the lack of conversations in a culture fast becoming more and more obsessed with texting and emails, this is a very timely book which paves the way for a more hopeful future where people will seek out fresh avenues of dialogue. We were impressed with Chapman’s takes on learning to rest in the present moment, taking delight in the pleasures of deep listening, refraining from harming others with our words, and affirming unconditional friendliness as a fulfilling path of intimacy.

Reviews and database copyright © 1970 – 2009
by Frederic and Mary Ann Brussat

Many years ago my husband and I lost a baby daughter at birth. Thanks to the compassionate wisdom of the nurses who were present, we were given all the time we needed to hold our baby and say goodbye.  Of course the grief process had only begun when we left the hospital with only an armful of flowers, cherishing a card with her footprints and little pink cap.   After that one by one I heard stories from other women, many of them of my mother’s generation, about losing a baby or a pregnancy and being treated as if it should be no big deal. One woman told me that she had to report to work the next day and not a single co-worker acknowledged her loss.

About a year later, I was talking about this to a friend who is a Zen priest and she gave me the instructions on how to perform the Jizo ceremony, a Japanese Buddhist ritual for ‘water babies’, infants who were unable to be born into this world for any reason, including miscarriage, abortion, still birth or early infant death.

The first time I performed this ceremony was in a large log cabin on a beach in Alaska.  Word had gone out in the community and twelve people showed up: some single women, a few couples and a man who came alone.  For each ‘water baby’ we gathered three rocks, which were piled up.  We had made little bibs, like an apron, in red to tie around and in each bib was an aspiration prayer for our baby.  It was touching and heart breaking to see how many little water babies appeared on the shrine, many more than the people attending. Some losses were from decades ago and others more recent. The ceremony itself was simple, but the healing circle that had formed was beyond words.

From my personal experience I know how important it is to offer a ‘cradle of loving kindness’ for people in our community who are suffering from losses that normally go unseen.  The Jizo ritual  is symbolic.  It calls upon a bodhisattva warrior who made the vow to postpone enlightenment until all beings are rescued.  This warrior has a torch, symbolizing the commitment to enter dark or silenced corners of our lives, bringing clarity and warmth so that we can find our way to recovering confidence in our basic goodness.  To me this combination of illumination and compassion is what we need to heal.

More obvious is the painful alternative.  The push-pull cycle of heartless mind and mindless heart is dramatic, emotionally intense and totally distracting.  It spins the illusion of security by playing on our deepest hopes and fears with the promise that we can find some ground to stand on.

The price we pay for this illusion is turning a blind eye to who our lover really is.   The mindless heart script replaces our partner with an over-valued object who can rescue us from our isolation.  The heartless-mind role does the opposite, disrespecting the sensitivity of our partner and pushing away.

These patterns are life-long habits that fit into three personality styles:

1. Mindless Heart: focused on connecting at all costs ( the pulling in of addiction, craving)

2. Heartless Mind:  good at keeping a distance ( push away, aggression )

3. Couldn’t care less:  shut down, avoiding intimacy altogether

Knowing what our style is, we can practice mindful communication to restore balance.  For the Mindless Heart style we need to become more curious about the sharp edges of reality rather than fuzzing them over.  For the Heartless Mind style, we need to increase our empathy, making more room for our own vulnerable feelings and respecting others.  For the Couldn’t Care Less style, we need to pay attention to the truth of interdependence– that everything we need for survival is being delivered to us moment by moment thanks to the kindness of others.

Touch and go means that we can love and appreciate each other ( touch) and at the same time be curious about who we are ( letting go of our expectations).  It’s a courageous way to go because it is totally unreasonable and beyond manipulation.  It’s there in our first kiss and our last goodbye.  The key is to keep opening to it every moment in-between.

Susan Chapman will be giving a free public talk on the Friday night before (27th) from 7-9pm for those contemplating taking the whole weekend. No need to register for the free talk. Just show up!

http://bethechangeradio.org/2012/04/11/mindful-communication

WVKR 91.3 FM Poughkeepsie NY and WVKR.org

Vassar College’s independent radio station. Susan  joined Amy and Julie for this weekly discussion that focusses on progressive change.  Tune in to their  interview from April 11.

I take a break, lying on the grass, gazing at the blossoms and branches and thinking of the people around me.  We’re like stars in the sky,  each of us with our own galaxy of stories, with light years of courage and unspeakable challenges behind and ahead of us.  Yet here we are, enjoying the spring blossoms together on this sunny afternoon, like brothers and sisters re-united after a very long time.   Forget those fear-based stories we hear on the news every day.  This is the true story:  the goodness of human society can be seen and felt right  here and now, on a Saturday afternoon when we come together outside for a walk or a bike ride on a sunny day in the city.

Susan and Greg designed this poster to convey the pith of Susan's material.

In late March, 320 psychotherapists from 36 countries met in Vancouver for the 2012 International Family Therapy Congress.  Green Light Institute was represented by Susan Chapman, who presented our model for transforming the focus of relationship from ‘me-first’ to ‘we-first’. ( Look at our poster for more information on this).    Auspiciously there was much discussion at the Congress about the latest research on mindfulness and relationship and our work on communication fits neatly into this new spotlight.  Two of the keynote speakers were John Gottman, acclaimed for his work in predicting the longevity of marriage based on the ratio of negativiy in communication, and Sue Johnson, well known for emotionally focussed therapy.   A variety of workshops discussed  spirituality and mindfulness, diversity, and the role of family therapists in creating a new paradigm ( ‘we-first’) for divorce and separation as an alternative to the rancor of the courtroom.  It feels as though there is a groundswell of interest in this work and we’re priviledged to be part of it.  Susan’s book The Five Keys To Mindful Communication made it’s debut at the Congress bookstore, two weeks before it’s official publication date.

http://www.ifta-congress.org/index.html